What I shouldve said a long time ago

Last night, I wore out my ipod till it died while listening to music. It was another hard-to-sleep night. It wasn't sleepless, I eventually was worn out enough to sleep. But my mind was still stuck racing.

I'm lingering towards an entire year of being single. I feel like I wasted half of that year trying to get back someone that I knew would never have worked with. In the process, I lost him as a good friend, and no matter how many times I apologize for my stupidity, I don't ever expect a friendship back. If he does, then that would be awesome. He didn't deserve the shit I put him through. I'm different now, but I think he's different too. I don't love him anymore, but I still care for him. I think I held on so long because I was terrified of being the single one again.

I re-read Twilight last night and laughed my ass off. Girls actually believe that's how love is. That's almost... sickening. What I once thought was the most romantic things in that book almost made me want to gag. I guess thats why the books are so popular. Girls want to believe those guys exist. I think guys go through a chivalrous part of their life, but they eventually grow out of it. I started on New Moon this morning and 100 pages in, I already love this book 12032 times more than Twilight? Why? because its more relateable. Its more realistic. Broken hearts happen a whole helluva lot more often than Mr. Perfect going "You're my brand of heroin" (REALLY?! I used to think that was amazing... Now I laugh even typing it). It's the ugly truth.

I've recently gone through a bunch of changes. To get one complete thought out of my brain right now is like trying to get a taxi through Times Square on New Years. Its not going to happen. The last song I heard last night before I went to bed was "Say" by John Mayer. It steered my dreams to "say what I needed to say." But unfortunately, dream people are more accepting of apologies and reasoning than real life people. That being said, I feel that I'm better at writing it and if I wait to say it, my mind wont feel as clear and I'll mess it up and dig myself deeper into a hole. And so, theres a few things that I need to say to a few people. I don't even know if they read this blog, but I need to get it out.

-I miss you. But I refuse to go back to the way things were. You treated me like I was less than you. Especially after someone said something about me-- at first you kinda sorta defended me, but in the end, you questioned me and that really hurt. I ALWAYS defended you. A lot of my friends didn't like you. They said that you didn't treat me right, but I always defended you. I always said "it doesn't matter. she's my best friend, not yours." The last few months, I felt used. And then all the things you said to me that night... It really hurt. I was cornered and I felt like I couldn't defend myself. You called me a hypocrite, but several things you accused me of you do just as much. That night... I didn't even know you. I hate that I didn't say something before, and that's my fault. I'll take blame for me not handling this in the most proper way. But friendship has been and always will be a two way street. Somewhere along the line... your lane merged and I had to pull the weight. Its sad that something we both love so much pulled us apart. I can make amends, but it wont automatically be back to normal.

-I should have known better with a guy like you. Not trying to quote the Beatles song, but I really should have. I feel like I lied to you. You're my best friend, and yet I feel like I lied to you. Your best friend you tell everything to, and I kept a little back in my head while you really poured your heart out. You always tell me I have this "brutal honesty" thing with you, and I wasn't brutally honest about this. And I know it was because I'm terrified of how you would react. You know now, but you don't know all of it. You don't know why. You don't know how. One night, we were talking, and it didn't feel like we were talking best friend to best friend... it felt... like the conversations I've had with people I've been romantically involved in. Your voice softened, and it was the most comforting thing in the world. I literally had deja vu, and there was no deja vu to compare it to. That scared me. I mean, completely petrified. I got right out of my bed and talked to my mom, and even she couldn't figure out what was going on there.

All of this being said, I don't want anything to change between us. I wasn't kidding that one night when I said I need you more than you need me. It is the most honest thing I have said quite possibly ever.. and definitely the most vulnerable thing. You know me, I'm strong (especially with you in the picture) and this is my Kryptonite. I know you care about me and I know you love me (in the non-romantic way) You're the only constant in my life right now. But I fought these feelings back... for a while. I think I got the idea back around Christmas. I said I couldn't, because you were the best guy friend I had and I didn't want to risk the friendship. That worked for a long time. Then something changed between a guy I had always had feelings for and me. So there was another void that I needed you to fill.But... I think I already risked a lot of that. And that scares me. Yesterday's conversation... you would need a chainsaw to cut the tension. And don't act like it was just one sided. You wanted to say something and I could tell you held back. Its the best friend vibe I get from you. And you can talk about your girls. That will actually probably help more than anything for me to quit having feelings for you =P

Okay, I've said what I need to say. I hope it makes sense.