Reflections of the way I used to be

Yes, for once in my life I'm not quoting the Beatles. I kinda quoted the Supremes, but not really.

I have changed more in the past six months than I have in my entire life. I've gone through self reflections until my entire soul seemed to be on an invisible mirror in front of me. I've re-connected with old friends that should've happened years ago. I received a second chance from an old ex (who's also an old friend) and I realized who loves me and who I love. I still let things get to me, obviously, but I don't hold them in my heart or head anymore. They're gone by the end of the day.

The self reflections seem to be made more aware when I confess to them.

I sincerely think I have bad trust issues. Even just to a friend. I feel like there is always something going on behind my back. I feel there are always secrets. Honestly, do I even know anyone I've ever met? I thought I knew some people, then they completely turned on me. I've had people get belligerent with me over something completely unnecessary and then have some act like I dropped off the face of the earth (and one of those had me as a bridesmaid in her original wedding. Now she's getting married and I'm not even invited.) My trust factor has gone out the window. Okay, I'm stopping blaming everyone else... this is a reflection of ME. Sometimes I feel like I accidentally pushed them away. Like I held on too tight and sucked the life out of the friendship. Actually, its not a trust issue... its more of a fear of losing someone for something either my fault or they never admitted to.

I've learned where and how amends need to be made. Sometimes I need to just say "i'm sorry. I effed up" and leave it up to them. In others it really needs to be a mutual apology or the other one needs to take some blame. I recently had a discussion with one of my close friends about an argument. She asked me "Why don't you just apologize?" Because that's not the right thing to do for once. I wasn't in the wrong with anything except maybe dropping contact. I never said anything to be sorry about. What she says I should've been sorry about were speculations on a Facebook note. I never said her name, and if she thought it was about her, then obviously she was guilty of something, no? I've GOT to stop apologizing for things that are honestly not my fault. Sure to most people it makes me the "bigger person," but in my heart, I know it just makes me weaker.

I have learned the perks of doing things alone. I once had a fear of going out alone. Some places I still do-- I won't go to a concert alone. Never will probably. But I shop alone now. Less people to tell me what I should wear or what I should buy. I don't have to listen to anyone laugh at me for going crazy over finding my last Beatle record for my collection or teasing me for trying on something that looks like it came from Hippieville. I rarely smoke with anyone anymore. I used to have to drag someone with me, and now, I kinda just keep it to myself. Thats why most people don't even know I smoke.

I realized I have a social life. And a fucking GREAT one at that. I've got friends I can call up at anytime and go "hey, lets go *insert place here*" What's even better? They call ME up. I always feared that I was that girl that people either went to for a last resort or they really didn't want to hang out with me. Call it the "catlady" fear. Now I realize they really want to hang with me.

Laughter keeps the world turning.I love making people laugh. I take myself as a joke now. But I could never do something like standup comedy or anything. I just like to make my closeknit friends laughing.

I have the greatest best friend in the world. He makes me smile more than anyone I know. And even though sometimes my heart plays games with me and I feel more than friends for him, I have never been so comfortable with him in my life. All of my encounters with him I really felt quite awkward. This past time there was no awkwardness at all. I still find it funny that the entire time at least someone at every place thought we were dating. I shouldve been more quick on my feet at some of the places (like where we ate-- "what do you mean you arent getting my food!?! some first date, asshole!" *storms out* hehehehehe XD) I guess its that best friend thing we have going on. He is my best friend and I know he'll always be there for me. Even when he embarrasses the hell out of me. I just wish he lived closer. And doesnt go into the AFN because then he'll just be farther away from me and... gah. Two hours is already too far =(

Dad and I have a better relationship after Paul. A LOT better. I realize he's not out to get me. He's not a bad dad at all. He just told me he took my car out for a spin last night and while listening to Revolver he remembered Paul and told me remembering the trip made his day brighter.

I'm done for now. I'll update later. Gotta get ready for work.